when i started my aupair year in august 2001 i expected a lot but by no means did i expect to feel what i felt on 9/11. as a foreigner in the states, still timid about using the language and as a small town girl who now resided in the capital of the world i felt everything ranging from pride of having taken that step to fear about what would happen if it turns out my childcare skills were mediocre at best.
that day in september added different feelings. the bubble that i had around me, this feeling of being invincible, evaporated in thin air and was replaced by fear. fear of a potential war, fear of never being able to see my family and friends again, fear of being deported to god knows where because foreigners were not welcome anymore.
the following is an excerpt from my diary entry on september 11, 2001 and the following days:
the morning was normal. i emptied the dishwasher, made lunch boxes for the kids and then we had breakfast. the kids were in school on time for once. i went home again, washed my hair and called nicole [a friend] to discuss our plans for dc [sightseeting]… we were lucky taking the metro back home and the first thing i did was turn on the tv, shocked at what i was seeing. the world trade center was no more. it just collapsed. both towers. [...] the highest building in nyc is now the empire state building. [...]
today is thurasday, day two after the catastrophe. while yesterday everyone was in shock today it’s time for nationalism. the kids made flags in school and were told to dress in red, white, and blue. every store has american flags in the windows. this is how they build morale. [...] bush is calling this the first war of the 21st century…and in europe a third world war is feared. nato is seeing itself attacked. i am very afraid of a war and i never thought that i would ever say that. ok, there’s always war somewhere but this is happening on my doorstep.
ten years later i am sitting in a small town waiting for my train to arrive. it’s a beautiful day with blue skies (just like 10 years ago) and in my hand i am holding a wedding bouquet that i got as a gift from the bride the night prior.
i spent the last 2 days with friends, i laughed and cried (happy tears…they had a childrens choir singing in church for them for crying out loud!). these kids were all younger or about 10 years old so they don’t remember a world where the word terror was just some abstract concept but nothing that related to your life personally. tight security checks at airports and elsewhere are normal to them.
yes, 9/11 burst my bubble of feeling secure, of being a flight attendant one day, of traveling without suspiciously eyeing unattended luggage.
but i am glad that for me life moved on. despite thinking about terminating my aupair year i pulled through (and really, the first months after the attacks were not easy for ANY foreigner. “you’re not american. you cannot feel our pain.” “you’re from germany? one highjacker was from there!”). what do you say in a situation like that? is there even something to say?
now i’m here 10 years later with flowers in hand and new york, dc and pennsylvania on my mind.
franzi
Filed under: Uncategorized Tagged: | 9/11, fear, future, life, misc, random, wedding
I can’t believe anyone said you couldn’t understand “our” pain. I’m sorry for that.
thank you! i guess people expressed their fear and anger in many different ways and for some rude comments was their way to go. sadly enough, looking back i remember the months after the attack as americans, and only real americans, huddle together vs. the rest. in my college they remembered 9/11 with a flag for every person who died and in this field of flags you suddenly noticed how many different nationalities were among the victims… ~ franzi
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