today i realized that with my focus on the future changes and what will happen come fall i forgot what i will be leaving behind.
after getting my scholarship award last week i had to make some quick decisions. here in germany many contracts run on a 3-month cancellation period. thus, i needed to act fast in order to make that deadline for the most important contracts (apartment lease and such). so i wrote up some letters and mailed them to meet the deadlines.
aside from just sending a letter there are obviously some situations where i need to talk about my decision. like this evening when i had my dance class and told my instructor i will be leaving her class in three months.
the look on her face suddenly made me realize that i really am leaving a life behind. i’m leaving family and friends, i’m leaving hobbies, i’m leaving my own apartment. of course i know what i am doing this for (and i am SO MUCH looking forward to it!) but i’ve been pushing back these thoughts about all that i am leaving behind and now i can’t escape those thoughts anymore.
everyone i tell is happy for me, and that feels amazingly great. but i also see the sadness in their face, i feel the sadness inside of me. leaving is never easy. i’ve done it before but only for a year. a year is short, a year can be packed in a calendar, it’s just 52 weeks that fly by.
this time around it’s at least two years – my heart says it’s for forever.
and those additional 52 weeks suddenly change the dynamics. plans get a more final touch, a more sincere and planned out attitude. many things can happen in two years but one thing is certain – i will not be back. maybe for a vacation, a quick hello and good-bye, but i will not return to my current life.
i can’t escape those thoughts anymore. it’s time to say good-bye, slowly, over the next four months. i’ll say good-bye and at the same time welcome my new life.
Posted by http://lifestartsnow.wordpress.com on March 29, 2012
today it dawned on me that i may be a loud person.
the walls in my office are rather thin. my department is set up of three offices all connected with each other. typically, we leave the doors open so be better able to
yell communicate. so when today i got a call from it telling me to shut down a certain program and ask my colleagues to do the same i yelled in their general direction to close the program. 10 minutes later i got the “ok” phone call and yelled again that they can open up the program again.
we always do that. no one ever complained.
in addition, my phone rang off the hook today as three colleagues had their phone lines rerouted to my phone. so basically, whenever i wasn’t on the phone i was running to answer it. annoying! i highly dislike this phone stress. don’t get me wrong, i understand that receiving phone calls is part of any job but having four lines to answer (i work in marketing) is just nuts.
so eventually that phone marathon just made me yell something (no profanities, just something out of frustration). and yell again. over lunch a colleague asked me what was going on in our office. i wasn’t sure what she meant and then she said that we’re normally loud but today was even worse.
with that in mind i tried to watch my noise level over the next hours and caught myself several times attempting to yell/moan loudly/complain to myself/cuss and curse life in general.
so yes, i may be a loud person. i apologize. i’ll try to shut up or turn down the volume. i’m german and germans like their co-workers to like them.
Posted by http://lifestartsnow.wordpress.com on March 27, 2012
the headaches explained themselves last night. all my bones and joints and muscles were aching: hello cold!
i wish i could have stayed in bed today but noooooo, i dragged myself to work, all pumped up with aspirin. it worked somewhat but i cannot wait to fall into my bed in just a few minutes. yes, i really am that tired and exhausted! i will go to bed before 9pm. welcome to my world.
oh, in case you were wondering, aside from aspirin i am drinking homemade ginger tea. ginger helps to bring up my body temperature (i had chills at work that were so bad that my ring fell right off my finger because my fingers were so cold and thin) and it helps me to sweat it all out.
when i went to buy the fresh ginger after work today i became witness to a robbery. quite frankly, i don’t know what was going on because it all happened so fast. some dude was robbing a grocery store and as he ran with the food in his arm (frozen pizza for crying out loud) the cashier (female) took after him and started beating him up trying to get the stuff back from him. he hit back and that’s when a guy stepped in trying to get the dude off the woman.
eventually the helper was hit hard, the frozen pizza played a role in that, and retreated. that’s when the cashier was back at fighting the dude.
security came and tried to dissolve the situation. needless to say, i was a chicken and tried to get the hell away from all of them as soon as i saw the pizza flying. the dude looked pretty creepy and he was fired up after having 2 people take jabs at him. this wasn’t my place to be a heroine.
do i feel bad about not intervening? i do. if i was in a situation like that i would want people to help me…fail on my side. or maybe not so much because i also believe that you need to know when to intervene and when it’s smarter not to.
off to bed to cure my cold.
Posted by http://lifestartsnow.wordpress.com on March 26, 2012