today i realized that with my focus on the future changes and what will happen come fall i forgot what i will be leaving behind.
after getting my scholarship award last week i had to make some quick decisions. here in germany many contracts run on a 3-month cancellation period. thus, i needed to act fast in order to make that deadline for the most important contracts (apartment lease and such). so i wrote up some letters and mailed them to meet the deadlines.
aside from just sending a letter there are obviously some situations where i need to talk about my decision. like this evening when i had my dance class and told my instructor i will be leaving her class in three months.
the look on her face suddenly made me realize that i really am leaving a life behind. i’m leaving family and friends, i’m leaving hobbies, i’m leaving my own apartment. of course i know what i am doing this for (and i am SO MUCH looking forward to it!) but i’ve been pushing back these thoughts about all that i am leaving behind and now i can’t escape those thoughts anymore.
everyone i tell is happy for me, and that feels amazingly great. but i also see the sadness in their face, i feel the sadness inside of me. leaving is never easy. i’ve done it before but only for a year. a year is short, a year can be packed in a calendar, it’s just 52 weeks that fly by.
this time around it’s at least two years – my heart says it’s for forever.
and those additional 52 weeks suddenly change the dynamics. plans get a more final touch, a more sincere and planned out attitude. many things can happen in two years but one thing is certain – i will not be back. maybe for a vacation, a quick hello and good-bye, but i will not return to my current life.
i can’t escape those thoughts anymore. it’s time to say good-bye, slowly, over the next four months. i’ll say good-bye and at the same time welcome my new life.
franzi
